R.I.P. Grandma Fely Ramil

This is the last time we all saw her.... sending her off to the Philippines @ SF Airport. She's with all her grand kids (minus my brother Josh and cousin GJ) that live here in the states.

So I got a call this morning around 3am and it was my cousin. When she called, I can hear her mom crying in the background and she told me "Nana is gone". The first thing that came out of my mouth was "Don't lie to me". Because seriously.... our grandma is one of the most healthiest person we know. It still didn't hit me even when I called my brother to tell him the news. I didn't start crying until I told my little sisters, because they were so close to her, especially since she lived with us and took care of us. I knew she was sick when she went back to the Philippines but I assumed she'd get better. She was suppose to get better and we were all suppose to see her again in 5 months. That was the plan. I guess GOD had bigger plans for her instead. Anyways, please pray for our family... especially my mom and 8 of her other siblings. They're all taking it pretty hard and heading back to the Philippines. And pray for my tata too... he's always been so dependent on my grandma and could never go anywhere or do anything without her. But now, it's just him alone. So I hope his heart will heal soon.

To Nana,
First off, I wanna say how deeply sorry I am for not treating with more respect when I was younger. When I was young and sick, it was you who stayed over night with me in the hospital because I was too scared to stay alone. And I yelled at u a lot back then. I even made u cry and I have always felt sorry about that and never forgot it. You have always taken care of your kids and grand kids and even great grand kids. When I asked for money, you never asked questions and just gave it to me. When my mom yelled at me over cleaning, you'd take the cleaning supplies away from my hands when she wasn't looking and did it yourself because u said u were bored anyways. You always asked if me and the twins have eaten yet and cooked us so much food. Even if we weren't hungry... you'd cook anyways just to make sure that whenever we were hungry, there would always be food for us. When I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle, you were the first person who came running toward me and massaged my foot and put medicine on it. You sewed up all my shirts and pants. When I was too busy to do my laundry because of work and school, so my clothes were left wet and cold in the washer, you'd take them out, put them in the dryer, folded them, and the put it outside my room door. You knew I hated it when people went in my room so whenever u find something that's mine, you always placed it nicely outside my room door. You never asked me to drive u to the flea market because u didn't want to bother me. U even would yelled at tata when he asked me to drive u somewhere. So even when it was blazing hot, u and tata always walked all the way there without complaint. You've done so much for this family... for us, and even more than I can count or remember. I'm only sorry that we couldn't do enough for u. I will always and forever be grateful to be your grand daughter. I love u SOOOO much that I wish I can just tell u that and hug u one last time. But I know God is taking good care of u now and I know I will see u again. I know u are watching over us from heaven, smiling upon all of us. We miss u and will never forget you. I LOVE U NANA!!!

<3 Chrysteen

I'm a Daddy's Girl

Yesterday, I was going through a bunch of old photo albums and saw a lot of my baby pictures that my dad organized. There were even cards of my 1st thanksgiving, christmas, bdays, etc. He organized them well and there were about over 10 albums. Don't you miss those childhood days when you didn't know anything and you can just do whatever you wanted? Man those were the days...

Because I don't live with my Dad, I'm not use to really having another parent or father figure around. Growing up with a single mom who worked all the time and a stepdad who didn't really show any concern for me, I pretty much grew up on my own. When I was a kid, I grew up resenting my Dad a lot. He wasn't a bad man or anything. My mom and dad's past is a messy one and in the end, I guess I just blamed him for everything. And my mom didn't even stop my hatred for him. But as the years went by, I started to learn and understand more and realized how much he loves me, despite all the hurt and troubles I gave him.

The reason why I'm bringing this up? Because I feel bad. Today, my dad called me asking me to go bank with him. One thing I don't like about him is that he tells me things last minute and expects me to just drop everything I'm doing. So I told him to wait and hung up on him. When I called him back, I said I couldn't drive cus of my ankle and asked him to drive. In truth, even though I can drive with my ankle boot, I was just lazy and didn't want too. So he picked me up, and when he came, he was limping too and had crutches (wow like father like daughter.. both crippled lol). I felt really bad and if I knew he was like that, I would have just drove him myself.

Anyways, we're in the car and we then start talking about my school and future. In my last blog, I mentioned about what I plan on doing after I graduate. Thing is, I haven't told my parents yet because I don't want to jinx it and because I'm not sure if they will approve. So whenever my mom or dad ask me what I'm gonna do, I just tell them "I don't know" all the time, even though I do know. My dad started to then mention that as soon as a graduate, I need to be a full time worker. Of course though, that's not what I want. So I asked "Is it ok if I don't work right after graduation? Can't I do something else?", in which he replied "Do whatever you want, just don't bother us then. You're old enough to do whatever you want". And that's when the yelling begins....

I then fought back saying just because I don't want to work after I graduate, doesn't mean I'm not going to do anything useful with my life. He then made some comment about me not having any plans for my life, which made me even more mad because it felt like he thinks I'm being lazy and not doing anything. So I start yelling and telling him that I do have plans and I do have goals, but I don't tell him or mom because I feel they'll just look at me and think I'm being stupid or naive. He then said something that hit my heart:
"When did I ever do that? Whatever you decide, I will always support you, you should know that by now. I've always told you that. Don't compare me with other people. That's your problem... you compare me with your mom. I'm not your mom. When we talk, it's just you and me. Don't bring in other people. So just tell me what it is you want or planned for yourself".

With that said, I told him to listen to everything I have to say without interruptions or judgement. So I told him everything and then when I finished he said, "Okay, good for you! You can do it! You can even be a teacher if you want. They need teachers in other countries. See! You can tell me anything!"

SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW! - that's what I said in my head when he said that to me, b/c I felt sooo bad yelling at him afterwards.

Here's the thing. I'm not use to hearing someone say they support me or encourge me to do what I want. Wait scratch that, I'm just not use to hearing it from my mom because she's never said anything like that to me, so I assumed my dad will be the same. Whenever I told my om my plans, if she didn't like it, she critizied me about it. If it wasn't nursing, then it wasn't good enough for her. She'd put me down. She'd tell me if I wasn't going to make a lot of money, then what's the point? It was then on that I got discourgaged from telling her any of my future plans, because I didn't want her to ruin it for me. But thinking back, my dad is right about one thing. He's always been supportive of me. For 21 years, he never once tried to force me to be someone I'm not. When I said I was going to take nursing, he supported me. When I took time off, he didn't yell at me about it. When I decided to switch majors to journalism, he said I should've done that in the beginning instead of nursing if it was something I really wanted all along. Whatever I decided, he didn't fight me on it. He's always supported me through everything and all I do is disrespect him and yell at him all the time. I wanted to cry right then and there. Of course later, we both laughed it off and we apologized to each other. But still, I'm always missunderstanding him and yelling. And he sits there and takes it. Of course, he then cracks up some joke like a couple seconds after and then I start laughing. Or he just lowers his tone with a smile, is like "I love you anako". How can I stay mad when he says that all of a sudden?! That's a good thing about our relationship though. I can never stay mad at him for more than 5 min.

So from now on, I'm going to try and be more open with my dad. The reason why he thinks I have no plans is because I don't tell him, so that's my fault. I need to stop comparing him with my mom too. Even if my mom is against me, at least I know he's on my side. He's always been on my side. And I love him so much for that. And looking at those albums, I can see I was such a daddy's girl, and I want to continue to be one no matter how old I get! I LOVE YOU DADDY!!!!

Cross-Cultural Solutions

As time goes by, I'm not getting any younger. And the older I get, the more I'm thinking about my future. We only live once and I want to make sure I make something out of my life. For a very long time now, I've been pondering on what to do.

As I mentioned in another blog last month, I said I wanted to volunteer, see the world, and help people. So I decided to look up the Peace Corp. After reading over everything, I believe it truly is an incredible foundation. However, there are so many requirements, sacrifices, and commitments you must do if you want to join it. And right now, I'm not qualified, nor am I even sure if I want to commit 2 years of my life to it. So I looked up another program called Cross-Cultural Solutions. I can spend 1-12 weeks wherever I want. And not only do you volunteer and help make a difference in people's lives, but they even provide classes to learn about the culture of the country you are in. They also give u free time so you can go explore the country, relax at the home base, call family and friends, etc. This is an organization that I definitely want to be involved in when I graduate. The only problem here is that it's a non-profit organization, so you have to pay a fee, and let me tell you... it is NOT cheap at all! If I want to spend 12 weeks, it's going to be over $6,000. Plus pocket money so it's a lot. But it's something I believe will be worth it.

I want to work with kids because as corny as this may sound, I believe that if you want to start change, it's best to start with our children. Children now are the future and to create a better future, helping and teaching our kids and others less fortunate will provide a better life for them. And then they can pass that on to others.

Cross-Cultural Solutions has many bases, but the two that I am very interested in is China and Russia. Hopefully I can do both, but if not, one of them is fine. After doing CCS, if I feel like it wasn't enough or that I want more, then I will probably sign up for the Peace Corp. By then, I will be more qualified and ready.

So that is my plan in 2-4 years. By then, hopefully even earlier, I would have already graduated with my Journalism and Mass Communications degree. I don't plan on trying to find a job and working right after graduation. I plan to jumping straight into this after graduation. Please pray for me to accomplish this! My only problem will be the money, but hopefully I can come up with it myself. This is something I want to work for myself, without my parents help (well.. maybe a little help wouldn't hurt hehe).

For more info about Cross-Cultural Solutions, check out their website here:
http://www.crossculturalsolutions.org/volunteering-abroad.aspx

My Philosophies in Life

Wow it's been awhile since I've blogged anything (I still don't believe a lot of people read my blog anyways). I've been REALLY busy I don't even know where to begin. Rather than writing about the last 2-3 weeks and showing pictures and vidoes, I decided to write something meaningful to me. My blog is titled "In My Own Words" and was suppose to be a way of expressing my inner most deepest thoughts and feelings. So I'm going to try and get back to that.

I'm the type of person who questions my future A LOT. I don't want to live my life aimlessly with no goal in life. I know the future is inevitable, but I still would like to believe that I have a place in this world in 10, 20, even 50 years from now. And I want to spend those years doing something good and worth wild, so that when it is time for me to go, I can go with no regrets. And that's why I have certain rules and philosophies in life:

1. Try and live each and every day as a better person than I was yesterday.
That's my philosophy for myself that I try and live by. In other words, the person I will be tomorrow, will be as better as today. The person I am in 2 days, will be better than the person I am tomorrow. And so on and so on. Make sense?! I believe that people can change for the better. I also believe that no one is perfect, so I don't expect to be perfect because I know I never will be. I just want to be a good person.

2. Forgive, but don't forget.
Before, when people back stabbed me or screwed me over, I'd do the same 10x back. I showed no mercy. I held grudges and couldn't let anything go. When I think about those times, I remember feeling a lot of burdens on my shoulders and was never fully happy. Now, although the back stabbing and screwing me over still happens, I try and forgive. I believe in 2nd chances and believe that people make mistakes. How else are we going to learn? So depending on the situation, I will forgive, but I won't forget because I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. That doesn't mean I'll be holding a grudge the rest of my life though.

3. Always have God and Jesus Christ in my heart
My family on both my moms and dads side are devoted Christians. I use to be the same growing up, but then with some bad experiences and people I've encountered, it made me lose my faith at one point and I somehow lost my way. Although right now it seems I'm still not as faithful or loyal or committed as my family is, my love for God is just as great as theirs. I truly am grateful. With every problem and obstacle I face, I do look up to Him for guidance. And even though I'm not as obedient and is known as the "rebel" in the family, I do also have my morals and principles that I live by.

So there u have it! I have more, but these are probably my top 3. Maybe when I can remember the rest, I'll post them up.

More K-Pop

So there are 3 k-pop albums that I just can't get enough of! Love these songs and artists! If I wasn't a cheap ass and broke, I would actually go and buy them! (wow I haven't bought a CD in FOREVER). But with technology nowadays, I can just get them for free. Anyways, here they are! Check them out yourself if you haven't.

Super Junior - Sorry, Sorry (3rd Album)

I mentioned before that I really liked Super Junior's new song Sorry, Sorry. Well I got to FINALLY listen to their whole album and OMGEEE! I LOVE IT! haha seriously. Out of all their albums, this is the best they've done. And usually, I only like a few songs from their albums, but there are quite a lot I like in this one. This is really HUGE improvement since their debut in 2005. Here's their tracklist from the album in order. The ones I put (*) next too are my personal favorites! (even though there all good)

1. Sorry, Sorry*
2. Why I Like You*
3. Let's Not*
4. Angela
5. Reset*
6. Monster
7. What If*
8. Heartquake feat. Micky & Yunho (from DBSK!!!)*
9. Club no. 1
10. Happy Together
11. Dead At Heart*
12. Shining Star

So here's their comeback performance that was on the 13th. They performed Why I Like You and Sorry, Sorry. People say "Why I Like You" was plagiarized by Ne-Yo's "Closer", especially in the chorus. Honestly, it does sound like it to me! But u be the judge. I still like the song

2AM - Time For Confession

When it came to singing, I always preferred 2AM over 2PM. But when it came to looks, 2PM. For those who don't know them, they're under JYP Entertainment (who manages The Wonder Girls). 2PM has 7 guys and are more of a hip hop dance group. 2AM consists of 4 guys with a more ballad r&b type. When performing together, they are called One Day (where do koreans come up with these things?!?!) Anyways, I was only able to get 3 songs from this album, not sure how many exactly there suppose to be. But all the songs are great!

1. A Friend's Confession
2. Lost
3. Though I've Turned Away Once Before

here's the MV for their song A Friend's Confession with english subs




BOYS OVER FLOWERS DRAMA SOUNDTRACK

It's sad that Boys Over Flowers will be ending next week. Noooo! =( But their OSTs are awesome! So good that they ended up making a 2nd one since the first soundtrack was so popular. All the songs are good, but THESE are my personal favorites (not in any particular order)

1. Ashily - Lucky
2. SS501 - Because I'm Stupid
3. Some Day - Do You Know (absolutely love their melody and harmony in this song!!!)
4. T-Max - Bad For The Heart (Ballad Version)
5. A'st1 - Yearning of the Heart
6. SHINee - Stand By Me

My Passion Type

So I took this quiz on facebook about my passion type. It is REALLY accurate to me! After taking the quiz, here's what the results said:

Passion is your middle name

Key Traits: approachable, enthusiastic, energetic, open-minded, positive, animated You are a positive spirit bundled with insatiable enthusiasm. You aren't hesitant about diving head first into new adventures and relationships. Although you might find yourself surrounded by people similar to you, you are about as open-minded as can be. You love to absorb yourself into different cuisines, different sights, different cultures and even different opinions. That's why, when seeking a romantic partner it's more important to you that they possess the same enthusiasm for life and love, rather than the same stance on a political proposition. There are few things you find more attractive and appealing than meeting that special someone who can hold his or her own in a debate AND go adventuring with you.

My Family's Hope

Right now I should be writing my paper... but this is something I've been wanting to write about for awhile but never have time too. So here it goes

So for those who have followed my blogs in the past know that the relationship between my mom and I isn't so great. Can you even call what we have a relationship?! A dysfunctional one, maybe.

Anyways, about a week ago, my mom said something I NEVER expected her to say to me. "You are the hope in this family". Ok first off, WOW! and Secondly, WTF?!?!?!? lol I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. But seriously?!?!?!? After years of putting me down, criticizing me, calling me a disappointment and a failure, etc. she comes up to me and says this out of nowhere?! haha I just don't get it at all. At first I laughed it off and thought she was joking. But she went on to say "when you graduate and get a job, I need you to help me put the kids to college", which is something I always thought of doing anyways actually, without her even having to tell or ask me. I'm not even the eldest child and feel like this should be my brothers job (but lets face it, those who know my brother know he would never do this for us).

I guess my point is, she always gave me this feeling where I thought she didn't think much of me. That she thought I was the irresponsible child out of all her kids and that I wasn't dependable or reliable, no matter how much I've shown how mature and responsible I am. So to hear her actually say that I'm our family's hope made me feel like for once, she believes in me. BUT (and there's always a but) knowing my mother, things might change later. Who knows. Lets just see how long this feeling will last....