Just want to vent out some personal stuff. Even though most of these are things I've talked about before to some people, for some reason, it feels better writing it out. So here it is:
For those who really know me from my past, they know that I was never good at expressing myself to people face and face and just kept it inside. I was use to being alone and not bothered with. Back then, I wasn't use to people actually caring for me and if they did, I didn't expect it to really last that long anyways. So I never got my hopes up. I didn't trust anyone because I believed that people will always leave you behind in the end, because from my experiences, that's what always happened to me. So I thought, "what's the point in opening up to people if they're just going to leave?"
My cousin Glenda once told me that when she first met me 6 years ago with her family from the Philippines, her first impression of me (besides me having REALLY long hair back then haha) was that I was a scary person to approach. She and her sister didn't know how to talk to me. In fact, her exact words if I remembered correctly were, "it seemed like you hated the world". LOL and back then, I did. I was rebelious, out of control, naive, and lost my way. When they moved in with us from the Philippines, it was the first time I had to think of others besides myself. In my house before, it was just me, my mom, stepdad, brother, and little twin sisters. We all pretty much kept to ourselves and no one knew what was going on with me. So living in your own world for 16 years and then having 5 new people suddenly enter into it and invade your world, it was a big adjustment for me. But I'm glad it happened. It was an experience I had to go through.
As I think back from the past couple years, I remember not being happy with my life. There was a point where I dropped everything and everyone and lived in total isolation. Dropped school, work, my friends, even my family. I don't think I ever cried so many nights in a row before. Most of my depression came from my mom. Living my life for someone who doesn't even notice that her own daughter is in pain trying to please her, it's hard. Having to constantly hear that you're going to fail and regret it, you tend to believe that it's true. And having someone say they don't care if your happy or not as long as you make a lot of money so that they can look good in front of people, made me feel like I wasn't good enough and an embarrassment. I know she just wants the best for me. And I know she loves me in her own way and just doesn't want me to suffer financially when I'm older. But what about what I want?
People say I need to get away in order to make our relationship better. I want that too, because I feel like if I stay in this house any longer, I will go insane. The stuff I've been through, seen, heard, and experienced so far, I barely survived it. And I'm still trying to hang on there so I won't slip into something deeper that I'm afraid I won't be able to come out of this time. I pray everyday that I can one day be truly happy with myself. I want to be happy.
Even till now I still feel like that girl with no self confidence. Some of my family members have told me that I've changed for the better. That I'm more open and responsible. I don't know exactly when it happened. I guess I just needed those months of doing nothing and being depressed to fully understand what I want to do with my life. I didn't want to waste it. So I'm glad that some people have seen this change in me and told me. Because if they didn't, I don't think anyone would have and I would've continued to think low of myself.
My mom once said to me, "Watch... when you get older and laid off, you're going to say 'oh I wish I listened to my mom'". As if she's already expecting me to fail. Well I'm going to make sure that day NEVER happens. I am going to make sure those words NEVER come out of my mouth. I finally have the guts to turn my life around and follow my path. And even though it's not the path my mom wants, I want to prove to her that I will be happy no matter what and that I chose the right course. I have faith in her that one day she will fully accept me for who I am. Even if it's a long way from now, I have that faith. I have to have that faith because without it, everything I do will mean nothing to me without her appreciation and approval.
So for those who have kept their faith in me through all my hardships when I didn't even have faith in myself, thank you. There are many people who know my situation and have been my crying shoulder. Please continue to have faith in me and pray for me. And pray for my mom too. Pray that she will let go of her pride, selfishness, and stubbornness. I may not be the oldest daughter she hoped for, but I will be the daughter she can be proud of in the future.