Thursday, February 26, 2009

I am the solution

2007 and 2008 was a tough year for me. It took me awhile to get my act together and be able to be where I am today. I was always envious of people who had a passion for something, and took that step to move forward and pursue it. For me, I was never really into anything and didn't get involved with much. Anything I was into and involved in, slowly started to fade away and I would lose interest. One thing that I always enjoyed doing was writing though. Since I was young, I'd write diaries, journals, and poems. However, I stopped when I reached college to pursue my mom's dream of becoming a nurse like her.

After three years of struggling with something I didn't even understand and had no heart in, I quit my job, quit school, didn't contact my friends, and stayed up in my room for about 4 months. Sometime within those 4 months of solitude, I remembered lying in bed one night and all of a sudden, I was thinking about my life. "What am I going to do now?" and "I can't just stay like this forever". Things like these we're popping in my head. I was so lost and confused and didn't know why. I then thought about my mom. Suddenly, all these images of her came in my head and I can hear her voice. I can see her disappointing and criticizing face. I can hear her negative remarks about me repeat over and over in my head. And I even argued and replied back in my head all the things I wanted to say to her that I've kept bottled up. For the rest of that night, tears continued to fall down my face. It couldn't stop. It even reached to the point where I couldn't breath, and my emotions we're taking over my whole body. I tried to calm myself down, but the more I tried, the more it got worst. I was scared my sisters or my stepdad might hear me. I had (and still do) so much hate and resentment toward my mother. I blame her for my downfall. "Why can't she ever just encourage me to do what makes me happy?" is what I kept asking myself, and still continue to ask.

Even now, it's still like that. Although I'm now doing what I should've always been doing in the first place, I still feel lost and confused. My mom is not happy with my choice of field. The journalism industry isn't a great one. I know the pay sucks. But yet, I can't seem to let it go. My plan was always to work for a entertainment magazine like People or US Weekly or even Teen Vogue. I wanted to work in L.A., meet and interview famous people, be a movie, music, concert, club, and fashion critic. Basically the whole hollywood theme, I wanted to write about it.

I've taken several writing and journalism classes and have learned a lot. But lately, that whole hollywood future I've always seen me in, is slowly starting to fade away. Nowadays, I'm picturing myself as a more serious journalist. I'm starting to have different desires and wants. I've been picturing myself traveling around the world into poor countries like India, Africa, or somewhere in Asia and just writing about what's been going on and what I see. I've been having thoughts of working or even volunteering in organizations that have a good cause, especially with orphans, or broken families. In class, we always talk about what's going on out there in the world and I've always felt out of place because I'm not that informed or knowledgable about what's going on outside of my world. And the more I listen and learn, the more I want to know. A lot of the students in my class are international students from Hong Kong, Japan. India, Switzerland, etc. It's amazing how they're able to study abroad, while for me, I've always just been in the Bay Area education.

That's when it hit me. "I can do more than this. I want to do more than just this". I've always just kept my thinking simple because I didn't believe I was capable of something more. I want to study abroad. I want to experience another culture. I want to see the world in a different view. I've been bottled up in this place for so long, afraid of what my mom might say or think, that it's retricted me to all the possibilites out there for me. As much as I know she will hate me for this, and I know it won't be easy for me to achieve this goal, I don't care. I'm tired of thinking "what if?". I don't want to repeat that night when I was crying ever again. If I'm going to feel hate and resentment, it's going to be toward myself because I wasn't brave or strong enough to go after what I truly wanted. Yes, my mom was the problem and she probably will always be the problem. But because of that, she's also not the solution. Therefore, I am the solution to my problems. I have to step it up and stop worrying about her expectations of me. I spent 21 years of my life doing so. It's time to start worrying about myself and what will make me happy.

I've always had this empty feeling inside of me. I hope as time goes by, it will slowly start to fill up. I tend to always change my background music with songs that represent my mood. This time, it's filled with songs of encouragement, hope, faith, and God. Because I believe God will guide and help me through this. I know God will never abandom me. I pray that one day, my mother can use Him to help ease the pain in her heart that my brother and I have caused her all these years. So as I listen to these songs, little by little I can feel His faith and hope in me and it's gradually pulling me back up again. I hope it does the same for anyone else who has their own troubles that they can't seem to deal with. As much as it may hurt now and seems like it will never go away, I promise you, it will get better.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Why Do I Want To Die So Bad?

"If you eat more fruits and vegetables, you won't look so fat"

"I have a co-worker... her son is 21 years old like you and he already has diabetes"

"Maybe if you loose some weight, you can get a boyfriend soon"

"Aren't you embarrassed to be with your friends because they're so slim and skinny?"

"If you get diabetes, then that's it for you"

"Do you want liver cancer?"

"Why do you want to die so bad?"

"Take these vitamins... it'll help you loose the weight"

"You need to exercise more... you don't even do shit in the house. That's why you're getting so fat"

& the list goes on and on and on....

Now imagine... you're feeling sick. You have a big head ache and runny nose, and you worked 6 hours straight with no break. You didn't even eat breakfast before going to work, nor did you eat lunch. So on your way home, you buy soup and bring it to the house. It's been awhile since you had dinner at home, but it's cold outside and you don't want to get even more sick. So you sit down in your kitchen and eat the soup. Then your mom sits next to you and eats her food. While you're trying to eat so you can get better, she suddenly starts to say all those quotes to you that I've posted above. Not even a "hello" or "how are you feeling?" or "how was work?" For the next 10-15 min. all you can hear are these negative remarks about you coming from your mothers mouth. There nothing new to you. You've heard them all before. But no matter how many times you hear them, they hurt just as much and if not, more each time.

Then she asks, "why do you want to die so bad?" You smile and look at her and say in your head "look in the mirror, and that's my answer". You want to say this to her face. Maybe that will shut her up. It's not like you're lying to her anyways. It's probably the whole truth. But because you don't want to argue, you put up with the negativity and continue back to your eating.

Now believe it or not, but that's a typical family dinner for me. And people wonder why I eat out so much. About me having diabetes, I don't. She just wishes I do because it's better to explain why her daughter isn't the perfect size or face that she wishes she was. For awhile, she kept telling me I have the symptoms of diabetes because of my weight. But when my cousin took my blood test, I'm below normal. So I'm not even close to having diabetes. About the liver cancer thing, it's because I bought a six pack of smirnoff ice, which only has like 5% alcohol in it. I bought it months ago and haven't even touched it yet. So she said in her mean and criticizing way if I wanted to have liver cancer and die and I jokingly replied "sure why not!". And that's when the whole question about me wanting to die so bad came up.

NO I'm not suicidal and NO I don't want to die! haha I'm still young and have a lot going for myself. But seriously, who hasn't thought about it right? At least for a second. It doesn't mean I'm going too. But I'm just saying, try living with THAT kind of person all your life, hearing how ugly you are and how you're not good enough, and then tell me if you think you can still live on.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Weekend Recap

Long time no blog! Sorry everyone that I haven't updated much lately. As you can tell from my last blog, I had a busy weekend and when the weekend was over, I had school. So no time to share with you all about what's been going on. Well as promised, I have pictures from over the weekend! They say pictures speak a thousand words, so lets have my pictures do most of the talking.

February 12 - Oakland Warriors vs. Portland Trail Blazers
Warriors won by the way =)

February 13

Nothing much here, just worked and then went to the movies with friends to watch Friday the 13th. Very jumpy movie! Too much sex and boobs for me though. But if you're into those things, then go for it! Despite those parts, there were other parts where I screamed and hella jumped out of my seat, so it kept me going. Also the fact that I love Jared Padalecki <3

February 14 - Valentines Day

Spent Vday @ Sabor Lounge in downtown San Jose with my friend KC to see Frankie J. We were in the front and took pictures with him!

More youtube videos that I took of him are on my youtube account!

February 15 - Twin Sister's 13th Birthday

Congrats to my sisters Jennifer and Stephanie for becoming a teenager! Let a drama begin!!! mwahahahaha. Well we went to church that morning, then had a fabulous dinner at one of my favorite Italian restaurants, Macaroni Grill. Then back to the house for ice cream cake from cold stone!

So that weekend cost me a lot of money!!! I think I spent almost $200?! Gotta start saving up again!!! So it's another weekend coming up which means more work! More work = more money. So until next time!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Weekend Plans

Got BIG plans this weekend! Oh where to start...

Thursday - Not really considered a weekend, but it is for me since I don't have school these days. Hopefully we'll be going to the movies with Anthony. But our plans never fall through. Other than that, around 5:30, Mike will pick me up and then we will head over to Leilani's and off to the Warriors game! They will be playing against Portland Trailblazers. I'm excited because this will be my VERY first live basketball game. I know basketball though and I'm a big fan. I've been playing since I was a kid and was even on my middle school team. I use to be a huge Lakers fan during my high school years, but got lazy now and haven't really been catching up. Saw a few Warriors game on TV when they we're getting better in 2007 and 2008 but nothing much. So probably after this game, I'll be a Warriors fan. We'll see!

Friday - It's friday the 13th! And the movie with the same title comes out! heheh will probably watch that in the afternoon because at night, I have work! Gotta make them $$$ as mentioned before in my last blog

Saturday - Valentines Day. Just another day to remind me that I have no one! Who's with me out there?! I honestly have NEVER had a Valentine in my life. I always seem to be in a relationship during the times where no holiday occurs. I'm a spring love and summer fling kind of girl I guess you can say. In early afternoon, I will be taking my sister and her friends to the movies and mall and that's pretty much it. But at night, I will be with my lovely Frankie J. Yep, the singer! He will be @ Sabor Lounge that night and my friend put me on the guest list. So, hopefully I'll get to see him live! I can already hear him singing to me... "How do you cope with the one you love is with somebody else and there's nothing you can do about it. How do you deal with the fact that you had a chance but you chose to turn away for your career..." Ahhh i love it! I plan on getting crazy drunk this night!!! So watch out for my drunk phone calls!

Sunday - My twin sisters 13th bday! Wow they're teenagers now... and the rebelling and pmsing begins! Well they already do that, but it'll be even more! Go to church in the morning, then probably dinner with the family after that. Don't know where though. But anytime I can go eat out at nice restaurants for free, I'm all in!

Monday - While you elementary, middle, and high school kids have a week off, us college people only get one day off. At least for me that is, I'm not sure how it works with the semester system (I'm on quarter system). Homework day for me! yay! How fun....

Sorry if my blogs seem so random and out there. Who loves to read about other people's lives?! haha before people thought I'd write all this emo and depressing stuff about my life. I did at first, but not lately. The problems are all still there though, unsolved is what it is. There is some venting out I want to do about my mom (again), but I think I'll save that for later. But don't worry, as soon as more new drama come's up (and trust me, there will be), I'll be pouring my heart out once again. And that's when the REAL novel writing of mine begins. hehehe I'll be posting up more pictures too of this weekend as each day passes. So watch out for those!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Earning them $$$

So this year is going to be a really busy and hectic year for me. And a poor year as well. I have to work like crazy if I even want to have money to go and do the things I need and want to do. And buy the things I need and want. Plus study hard so I can graduate soon! A lot is going to be happening and I'm not even prepared yet! Here it is

First off, I got accepted to SFSU and SJSU (yay for me!) My only problem is, I don't know which one to go too. I want to go to SFSU, but my parents are really struggling with money right now (who isn't right?!). So if I do decide to go to SF, that's even MORE money they have to spend on my books, tuition, living expenses, etc. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go there! Oh what to do?!?!?!? I have to decide soon. So that's why I'm trying to work more so that I can save up a little of my own money to help out my parents a bit and I don't have to full rely on them. But it's hard when work keeps cutting hours. And because my other job requires me to go out of town a lot, I have to request a lot of weekends off.

Speaking of my other work, there are SOOOO many events that I'll be doing for Prime Media Unlimited, it's not even funny. We had a meeting Sunday night and let me just say "WOW!" A lot of concerts and events coming up. A lot of marketing and promotions we'll be doing for it. A lot of traveling as well (which is my favorite part), and more writing experiences for me as well. Woo hoo! I can already picture us spending hours late night working and not enough sleep. But that's show biz for ya! We don't get paid much, but the experience is fulfilling enough for me.

I really want my camera. I'm taking photo class right now because I wanted to have more knowledge about photography before actually spending $700-$1,000 on a camera and I don't even know how to use it. I've always been interested in photography and wanted to pick it up sooner, but I never had the resources for it. Now that I do, I'm loving every minute of it. And I want to improve as well. Since I'm a journalism major, I'd figure being a photographer can help me as well in my field of study. So I have to save up money for that

Flat screen HD TV. Who has those heavy box looking televisions nowadays?! Go to any middle class home and there, you will see at least one big flat screen tv. I don't even watch tv in my room anymore because. I really want my own flat screen hd tv in my room!

Computer. My laptop was suppose to be mainly for just school and work, nothing more. I would use this laptop and bring it to school to type my notes rather than writing them. Write my papers and essays @ starbucks. Stuff like that. So I want a computer for everything else. I use to download and burn my dramas on my laptop, which made it very slow later on. I don't think it's meant to handle that much for so long. So I want my own computer as well.

Photo printer. I take A LOT of digital photos. But I want hard copies of them too, so I want my own printer that can print me good quality photos from my camera.

Vacations with the cousins. My cousins and I have been wanting to go on vacation with just us for awhile now, without our parents, which means everything is paid by us. We wanted to go last year, but it just wasn't possible. So now we're planning for this year around December to go to Disney Land. I know December is a loooong way from now, but time goes by fast! And with everything else that's going on, it's going to be hard saving up money for that too.

And of course, there's the obvious - food, birthdays, and clothes. If only I knew how to cook, I wouldn't be buying food everyday. But all my house serves is soup with shrimp and squash (I know what it's called but I can't spell it). I love it, but not all the time. It's always Filipino food all the damn time! Birthdays. I'm the type of person who feels like I have to give a bday gift to those closest to me. If I don't, I feel like they don't know my sincerity. And of course, clothes. I'm a girl, so to update on your wardrobe is a must. Especially if you see a sale! So tempting not go at least look.

So as you can tell, all of these involve money, and lots of it. I'm going to work hard this year, but of course, keep school my #1 priority still. The one's I'm really focusing on though is my camera and vacationing with my cousins.

To end on a happy note, I tend to listen to this song often to make me feel better when I'm stressed out. Hillsong United's "At The Cross". I've heard and seen a lot of renditions, but my favorite would have to be Cathy and Gabe's version of it. Check it out:

ahhhh gabe is so hot isn't he?! maybe that's why I like this version.... hehe =)

Friday, February 6, 2009

My Car Is Cursed!

Haha seriously, it is. Since Day 1 of getting my car, I've gotten nothing but trouble at least once every year. Here's proof!

July 2005 - This was the 1st day I got my car with my dad and stepmom. My stepmom had to leave early for work so she took the car we drove in. When I finally got my car, I had to drop my dad home all the way to Atherton (by palo alto). At the time, I didn't know my way around that area so trying to find the freeway back home, I guess I drove too fast and ended up getting a ticket! What a nice way to start off getting a brand new car

2006 - Not quite sure when this happened, but I know it did! Got hit from the back bumper on oakland road cus some lady thought it was a green light instead of a red. Is she color blind or something?! Luckily she didn't hit too hard and there were no bumps or scratches

December 2007 - This is why I NEVER drive highway 880 South at night anymore unless it's an absolute emergency. The traffic sucks! But I needed to do some xmas shopping and I didn't wanna go great mall. So my friend KC and I decided to go to Valley Fair instead. I'm on the far left lane and traffic is moving slowly. I wanted to start switching lanes already because my exit was coming up. So I signal and start looking over my shoulder and rear mirror to see if it's clear. There's still space in front of me on my lane so I start to slowly move forward and try switching lanes. But suddenly, that big space I had in front of me was no more cus the cars in front of me suddenly all break. But when they did that, I was looking at the other lanes to see if I can go. It wasn't until I hear KC yelling out, "CC! Watch out!" and I tried to dodge the car in front of me but ended up hitting it anyways. And it wasn't just some 2nd hand old car. It just had to be a lexus of all cars! Well my side mirror is gone and so it my front bumper. And the guys rear bumper is totally smashed. Luckily, he was really nice though! He told me it wasn't my fault and that the other cars in front of him all suddenly just breaked really fast.

Summer 2008 - I think it was during the summer. But anyways, I was suppose to hang out with my friend Jenny, but no call from her yet and I was hungry. My niece Janessa was at our house because we were babysitting her. When her mom, Kia, came to pick her up, she invited me to have lunch with her, Janessa, and my brother near their place by Oakridge, so I said yes. I drove my car to follow hers so that they didn't have to drive all the way back to drop me home. So we're on highway 680 South and Kia stays on the right lane. I'm following her, but not so close. I suddenly see her swerve to the right without signaling. Because my car is lowered and she drives a van, I didn't see what was in front of her to make her move like that. When she did finally move out of the way, I saw a big pile of broken wood and nails on the lane and tried to dodge it. Unfortunately, I was too late and ended up going over it. Something must have caught under my car because then I couldn't control my wheels anymore and ended up spinning around across the other lanes. And can you believe it? There were no cars on the other lanes as I was spinning. I don't know, to me that's just insane! Other cars before and after me had damages to their cars but mine was ok still.

February 2009 - So as always, there's Filipino food at home and nothing more. It's late and I'm hungry so I decided to get some Wing Stop. I place an order to go and on my way, I'm listening to music through my iPhone. My iPhone suddenly stops, and as I'm making my right turn, I look down for 2 seconds to see the problem. Then when I look up, I run over the curb really hard and there's smoke coming out, my air bag light goes on and my seat belts cannot adjust anymore. The shield under my car is dragging and broken as well. However, just got off the phone with the dealer for my car, and they fixed my seat belt, and my air bags are fine. No charge since it's under the warranty. yay! But won't be ready till monday.

So whatever accident, big or small, I seem to never get hurt! LoL I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but how lucky can you get!? REALLY! It's like I have 9 lives or something. But I shouldn't jinx it because the next accident (and I'm pretty sure there will be one), I may not be so lucky. And NO it's not all my fault. It's just bad luck. I'll admit the last one was my fault though. But I'm still alive and breathing! So that's a good sign right? This may sound a bit corny, but I feel invincible - like nothing can hurt or touch me. hahahaha wow that did sound a bit weird and corny. Oh well, it's true! But it seems like every year, the accidents just keep getting bigger. Ahhh I hope this is where it ends!

Anyways, thanks to everyone who messaged me on my facebook and called me and left me voice mails to see if I was okay! I really feel loved! <3 awww hehe