R.I.P. Grandma Fely Ramil

This is the last time we all saw her.... sending her off to the Philippines @ SF Airport. She's with all her grand kids (minus my brother Josh and cousin GJ) that live here in the states.

So I got a call this morning around 3am and it was my cousin. When she called, I can hear her mom crying in the background and she told me "Nana is gone". The first thing that came out of my mouth was "Don't lie to me". Because seriously.... our grandma is one of the most healthiest person we know. It still didn't hit me even when I called my brother to tell him the news. I didn't start crying until I told my little sisters, because they were so close to her, especially since she lived with us and took care of us. I knew she was sick when she went back to the Philippines but I assumed she'd get better. She was suppose to get better and we were all suppose to see her again in 5 months. That was the plan. I guess GOD had bigger plans for her instead. Anyways, please pray for our family... especially my mom and 8 of her other siblings. They're all taking it pretty hard and heading back to the Philippines. And pray for my tata too... he's always been so dependent on my grandma and could never go anywhere or do anything without her. But now, it's just him alone. So I hope his heart will heal soon.

To Nana,
First off, I wanna say how deeply sorry I am for not treating with more respect when I was younger. When I was young and sick, it was you who stayed over night with me in the hospital because I was too scared to stay alone. And I yelled at u a lot back then. I even made u cry and I have always felt sorry about that and never forgot it. You have always taken care of your kids and grand kids and even great grand kids. When I asked for money, you never asked questions and just gave it to me. When my mom yelled at me over cleaning, you'd take the cleaning supplies away from my hands when she wasn't looking and did it yourself because u said u were bored anyways. You always asked if me and the twins have eaten yet and cooked us so much food. Even if we weren't hungry... you'd cook anyways just to make sure that whenever we were hungry, there would always be food for us. When I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle, you were the first person who came running toward me and massaged my foot and put medicine on it. You sewed up all my shirts and pants. When I was too busy to do my laundry because of work and school, so my clothes were left wet and cold in the washer, you'd take them out, put them in the dryer, folded them, and the put it outside my room door. You knew I hated it when people went in my room so whenever u find something that's mine, you always placed it nicely outside my room door. You never asked me to drive u to the flea market because u didn't want to bother me. U even would yelled at tata when he asked me to drive u somewhere. So even when it was blazing hot, u and tata always walked all the way there without complaint. You've done so much for this family... for us, and even more than I can count or remember. I'm only sorry that we couldn't do enough for u. I will always and forever be grateful to be your grand daughter. I love u SOOOO much that I wish I can just tell u that and hug u one last time. But I know God is taking good care of u now and I know I will see u again. I know u are watching over us from heaven, smiling upon all of us. We miss u and will never forget you. I LOVE U NANA!!!

<3 Chrysteen

I'm a Daddy's Girl

Yesterday, I was going through a bunch of old photo albums and saw a lot of my baby pictures that my dad organized. There were even cards of my 1st thanksgiving, christmas, bdays, etc. He organized them well and there were about over 10 albums. Don't you miss those childhood days when you didn't know anything and you can just do whatever you wanted? Man those were the days...

Because I don't live with my Dad, I'm not use to really having another parent or father figure around. Growing up with a single mom who worked all the time and a stepdad who didn't really show any concern for me, I pretty much grew up on my own. When I was a kid, I grew up resenting my Dad a lot. He wasn't a bad man or anything. My mom and dad's past is a messy one and in the end, I guess I just blamed him for everything. And my mom didn't even stop my hatred for him. But as the years went by, I started to learn and understand more and realized how much he loves me, despite all the hurt and troubles I gave him.

The reason why I'm bringing this up? Because I feel bad. Today, my dad called me asking me to go bank with him. One thing I don't like about him is that he tells me things last minute and expects me to just drop everything I'm doing. So I told him to wait and hung up on him. When I called him back, I said I couldn't drive cus of my ankle and asked him to drive. In truth, even though I can drive with my ankle boot, I was just lazy and didn't want too. So he picked me up, and when he came, he was limping too and had crutches (wow like father like daughter.. both crippled lol). I felt really bad and if I knew he was like that, I would have just drove him myself.

Anyways, we're in the car and we then start talking about my school and future. In my last blog, I mentioned about what I plan on doing after I graduate. Thing is, I haven't told my parents yet because I don't want to jinx it and because I'm not sure if they will approve. So whenever my mom or dad ask me what I'm gonna do, I just tell them "I don't know" all the time, even though I do know. My dad started to then mention that as soon as a graduate, I need to be a full time worker. Of course though, that's not what I want. So I asked "Is it ok if I don't work right after graduation? Can't I do something else?", in which he replied "Do whatever you want, just don't bother us then. You're old enough to do whatever you want". And that's when the yelling begins....

I then fought back saying just because I don't want to work after I graduate, doesn't mean I'm not going to do anything useful with my life. He then made some comment about me not having any plans for my life, which made me even more mad because it felt like he thinks I'm being lazy and not doing anything. So I start yelling and telling him that I do have plans and I do have goals, but I don't tell him or mom because I feel they'll just look at me and think I'm being stupid or naive. He then said something that hit my heart:
"When did I ever do that? Whatever you decide, I will always support you, you should know that by now. I've always told you that. Don't compare me with other people. That's your problem... you compare me with your mom. I'm not your mom. When we talk, it's just you and me. Don't bring in other people. So just tell me what it is you want or planned for yourself".

With that said, I told him to listen to everything I have to say without interruptions or judgement. So I told him everything and then when I finished he said, "Okay, good for you! You can do it! You can even be a teacher if you want. They need teachers in other countries. See! You can tell me anything!"

SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW! - that's what I said in my head when he said that to me, b/c I felt sooo bad yelling at him afterwards.

Here's the thing. I'm not use to hearing someone say they support me or encourge me to do what I want. Wait scratch that, I'm just not use to hearing it from my mom because she's never said anything like that to me, so I assumed my dad will be the same. Whenever I told my om my plans, if she didn't like it, she critizied me about it. If it wasn't nursing, then it wasn't good enough for her. She'd put me down. She'd tell me if I wasn't going to make a lot of money, then what's the point? It was then on that I got discourgaged from telling her any of my future plans, because I didn't want her to ruin it for me. But thinking back, my dad is right about one thing. He's always been supportive of me. For 21 years, he never once tried to force me to be someone I'm not. When I said I was going to take nursing, he supported me. When I took time off, he didn't yell at me about it. When I decided to switch majors to journalism, he said I should've done that in the beginning instead of nursing if it was something I really wanted all along. Whatever I decided, he didn't fight me on it. He's always supported me through everything and all I do is disrespect him and yell at him all the time. I wanted to cry right then and there. Of course later, we both laughed it off and we apologized to each other. But still, I'm always missunderstanding him and yelling. And he sits there and takes it. Of course, he then cracks up some joke like a couple seconds after and then I start laughing. Or he just lowers his tone with a smile, is like "I love you anako". How can I stay mad when he says that all of a sudden?! That's a good thing about our relationship though. I can never stay mad at him for more than 5 min.

So from now on, I'm going to try and be more open with my dad. The reason why he thinks I have no plans is because I don't tell him, so that's my fault. I need to stop comparing him with my mom too. Even if my mom is against me, at least I know he's on my side. He's always been on my side. And I love him so much for that. And looking at those albums, I can see I was such a daddy's girl, and I want to continue to be one no matter how old I get! I LOVE YOU DADDY!!!!

Cross-Cultural Solutions

As time goes by, I'm not getting any younger. And the older I get, the more I'm thinking about my future. We only live once and I want to make sure I make something out of my life. For a very long time now, I've been pondering on what to do.

As I mentioned in another blog last month, I said I wanted to volunteer, see the world, and help people. So I decided to look up the Peace Corp. After reading over everything, I believe it truly is an incredible foundation. However, there are so many requirements, sacrifices, and commitments you must do if you want to join it. And right now, I'm not qualified, nor am I even sure if I want to commit 2 years of my life to it. So I looked up another program called Cross-Cultural Solutions. I can spend 1-12 weeks wherever I want. And not only do you volunteer and help make a difference in people's lives, but they even provide classes to learn about the culture of the country you are in. They also give u free time so you can go explore the country, relax at the home base, call family and friends, etc. This is an organization that I definitely want to be involved in when I graduate. The only problem here is that it's a non-profit organization, so you have to pay a fee, and let me tell you... it is NOT cheap at all! If I want to spend 12 weeks, it's going to be over $6,000. Plus pocket money so it's a lot. But it's something I believe will be worth it.

I want to work with kids because as corny as this may sound, I believe that if you want to start change, it's best to start with our children. Children now are the future and to create a better future, helping and teaching our kids and others less fortunate will provide a better life for them. And then they can pass that on to others.

Cross-Cultural Solutions has many bases, but the two that I am very interested in is China and Russia. Hopefully I can do both, but if not, one of them is fine. After doing CCS, if I feel like it wasn't enough or that I want more, then I will probably sign up for the Peace Corp. By then, I will be more qualified and ready.

So that is my plan in 2-4 years. By then, hopefully even earlier, I would have already graduated with my Journalism and Mass Communications degree. I don't plan on trying to find a job and working right after graduation. I plan to jumping straight into this after graduation. Please pray for me to accomplish this! My only problem will be the money, but hopefully I can come up with it myself. This is something I want to work for myself, without my parents help (well.. maybe a little help wouldn't hurt hehe).

For more info about Cross-Cultural Solutions, check out their website here:
http://www.crossculturalsolutions.org/volunteering-abroad.aspx

My Philosophies in Life

Wow it's been awhile since I've blogged anything (I still don't believe a lot of people read my blog anyways). I've been REALLY busy I don't even know where to begin. Rather than writing about the last 2-3 weeks and showing pictures and vidoes, I decided to write something meaningful to me. My blog is titled "In My Own Words" and was suppose to be a way of expressing my inner most deepest thoughts and feelings. So I'm going to try and get back to that.

I'm the type of person who questions my future A LOT. I don't want to live my life aimlessly with no goal in life. I know the future is inevitable, but I still would like to believe that I have a place in this world in 10, 20, even 50 years from now. And I want to spend those years doing something good and worth wild, so that when it is time for me to go, I can go with no regrets. And that's why I have certain rules and philosophies in life:

1. Try and live each and every day as a better person than I was yesterday.
That's my philosophy for myself that I try and live by. In other words, the person I will be tomorrow, will be as better as today. The person I am in 2 days, will be better than the person I am tomorrow. And so on and so on. Make sense?! I believe that people can change for the better. I also believe that no one is perfect, so I don't expect to be perfect because I know I never will be. I just want to be a good person.

2. Forgive, but don't forget.
Before, when people back stabbed me or screwed me over, I'd do the same 10x back. I showed no mercy. I held grudges and couldn't let anything go. When I think about those times, I remember feeling a lot of burdens on my shoulders and was never fully happy. Now, although the back stabbing and screwing me over still happens, I try and forgive. I believe in 2nd chances and believe that people make mistakes. How else are we going to learn? So depending on the situation, I will forgive, but I won't forget because I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. That doesn't mean I'll be holding a grudge the rest of my life though.

3. Always have God and Jesus Christ in my heart
My family on both my moms and dads side are devoted Christians. I use to be the same growing up, but then with some bad experiences and people I've encountered, it made me lose my faith at one point and I somehow lost my way. Although right now it seems I'm still not as faithful or loyal or committed as my family is, my love for God is just as great as theirs. I truly am grateful. With every problem and obstacle I face, I do look up to Him for guidance. And even though I'm not as obedient and is known as the "rebel" in the family, I do also have my morals and principles that I live by.

So there u have it! I have more, but these are probably my top 3. Maybe when I can remember the rest, I'll post them up.

More K-Pop

So there are 3 k-pop albums that I just can't get enough of! Love these songs and artists! If I wasn't a cheap ass and broke, I would actually go and buy them! (wow I haven't bought a CD in FOREVER). But with technology nowadays, I can just get them for free. Anyways, here they are! Check them out yourself if you haven't.

Super Junior - Sorry, Sorry (3rd Album)

I mentioned before that I really liked Super Junior's new song Sorry, Sorry. Well I got to FINALLY listen to their whole album and OMGEEE! I LOVE IT! haha seriously. Out of all their albums, this is the best they've done. And usually, I only like a few songs from their albums, but there are quite a lot I like in this one. This is really HUGE improvement since their debut in 2005. Here's their tracklist from the album in order. The ones I put (*) next too are my personal favorites! (even though there all good)

1. Sorry, Sorry*
2. Why I Like You*
3. Let's Not*
4. Angela
5. Reset*
6. Monster
7. What If*
8. Heartquake feat. Micky & Yunho (from DBSK!!!)*
9. Club no. 1
10. Happy Together
11. Dead At Heart*
12. Shining Star

So here's their comeback performance that was on the 13th. They performed Why I Like You and Sorry, Sorry. People say "Why I Like You" was plagiarized by Ne-Yo's "Closer", especially in the chorus. Honestly, it does sound like it to me! But u be the judge. I still like the song

2AM - Time For Confession

When it came to singing, I always preferred 2AM over 2PM. But when it came to looks, 2PM. For those who don't know them, they're under JYP Entertainment (who manages The Wonder Girls). 2PM has 7 guys and are more of a hip hop dance group. 2AM consists of 4 guys with a more ballad r&b type. When performing together, they are called One Day (where do koreans come up with these things?!?!) Anyways, I was only able to get 3 songs from this album, not sure how many exactly there suppose to be. But all the songs are great!

1. A Friend's Confession
2. Lost
3. Though I've Turned Away Once Before

here's the MV for their song A Friend's Confession with english subs




BOYS OVER FLOWERS DRAMA SOUNDTRACK

It's sad that Boys Over Flowers will be ending next week. Noooo! =( But their OSTs are awesome! So good that they ended up making a 2nd one since the first soundtrack was so popular. All the songs are good, but THESE are my personal favorites (not in any particular order)

1. Ashily - Lucky
2. SS501 - Because I'm Stupid
3. Some Day - Do You Know (absolutely love their melody and harmony in this song!!!)
4. T-Max - Bad For The Heart (Ballad Version)
5. A'st1 - Yearning of the Heart
6. SHINee - Stand By Me

My Passion Type

So I took this quiz on facebook about my passion type. It is REALLY accurate to me! After taking the quiz, here's what the results said:

Passion is your middle name

Key Traits: approachable, enthusiastic, energetic, open-minded, positive, animated You are a positive spirit bundled with insatiable enthusiasm. You aren't hesitant about diving head first into new adventures and relationships. Although you might find yourself surrounded by people similar to you, you are about as open-minded as can be. You love to absorb yourself into different cuisines, different sights, different cultures and even different opinions. That's why, when seeking a romantic partner it's more important to you that they possess the same enthusiasm for life and love, rather than the same stance on a political proposition. There are few things you find more attractive and appealing than meeting that special someone who can hold his or her own in a debate AND go adventuring with you.

My Family's Hope

Right now I should be writing my paper... but this is something I've been wanting to write about for awhile but never have time too. So here it goes

So for those who have followed my blogs in the past know that the relationship between my mom and I isn't so great. Can you even call what we have a relationship?! A dysfunctional one, maybe.

Anyways, about a week ago, my mom said something I NEVER expected her to say to me. "You are the hope in this family". Ok first off, WOW! and Secondly, WTF?!?!?!? lol I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. But seriously?!?!?!? After years of putting me down, criticizing me, calling me a disappointment and a failure, etc. she comes up to me and says this out of nowhere?! haha I just don't get it at all. At first I laughed it off and thought she was joking. But she went on to say "when you graduate and get a job, I need you to help me put the kids to college", which is something I always thought of doing anyways actually, without her even having to tell or ask me. I'm not even the eldest child and feel like this should be my brothers job (but lets face it, those who know my brother know he would never do this for us).

I guess my point is, she always gave me this feeling where I thought she didn't think much of me. That she thought I was the irresponsible child out of all her kids and that I wasn't dependable or reliable, no matter how much I've shown how mature and responsible I am. So to hear her actually say that I'm our family's hope made me feel like for once, she believes in me. BUT (and there's always a but) knowing my mother, things might change later. Who knows. Lets just see how long this feeling will last....

Disney

So 2 nights ago, I was REALLY bored and was on the phone with 2 of my friends, KC & Leilani. Leilani was @ KC's house cus she was bored too so I decided to drop by as well. I figured that I'd rather be bored with other people than bored by myself. hehe anyways, we started reminincsing about our childhood and what disney movies we grew up watching and loved! Beauty & the Beast, Aladin, Lady & the Tramp, The Aritocrats, etc. My friend KC then said she still had the movie The Lion King on VHS. lol wow VHS... didn't think they still existed. So we watched it! Man that brings back hella memories. So here's a list (in no particular order) of my top Disney movies growing up! They don't make them like these anymore. These are classics!

Except for Scars song that he sings in here, I loved all the other songs! I think this was the first disney cartoon movie where I actually cried! I cried when Mufasa died ='( I saw this in theatre twice! And both times, the theatre was so packed that people ended up sitting on the stairs and aisle.

I actually sang their song A Whole New World in my elemtary school talent show with 2 other girls. Robin Williams did an excellent job playing the Genie

Eddie Murphy's character here was HILARIOUS! Mushu (the dragon) just cracked me up throughout the whole film. Not to mention that this movie was about an asain girl who can kick some ass! This movie also introduced me to Christina Aguilera, who sang the original song Reflection, in which Mulan sings. At the time I didn't even know Christina Aguilera existed, and is now considered as one of my favorite music artist of all time.

Flounder was the bomb! haha if you don't remember who that was, it was the blue and yellow fish, Ariel's best friend. He was my favorite character in this movie. And my favorite scene was when Ariel and Eric was on a row boat and Sabachian sang Kiss The Girl. But the scene that scared the crap out of me was when that lady octupus turned all big and scary and sounded like a man. I cried =(

So I remember watching this movie in the theatres with my mom. I remember I liked all the colors cus it seemed like everything in this movie was so colorful. My favorite song here was "
Color of the Wind" and I would sing it alllll the time!

So for the most part, I liked these cus of their songs. If you noticed, I didn't even put Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, or Beauty & the Beast. Those with princess and princes to me seemed all the same. Poor girl meets rich prince and there's an evil witch or stepmother blah blah blah. It's not like I hated them, I did enjoy them too. But I thought the one's I mentioned showed more variety. Since I was a kid until now even, I watch Disney. Especially after watching scary movies, I would almost always watch disney right after so I won't be scared anymore and be happy! hehe k well thats all for now! So until next time <3

Upcoming Events for Next Month

I wan't April to come already! hehe turns out that next month will be a hectic and busy month for me, and I love it! April 3 will be the Divas 4 Divas Concert @ SJSU. Next week will be finals and then spring break. Then I start a new and hopefully LAST quarter @ De Anza on April 6 before transfering to state in the fall. I got my acceptance letter to SJSU, so now I have to decide if I wanna continue to stay home for school or go to SFSU. Even though I always talked about going to SFSU and that SJSU is my last choice, it still all depends if my parents can afford me living in SF. I pray it will happen, but we'll see! My relatives from Hawaii will be here as well starting April 8-21. I miss them so much! I always enjoy having my relatives come visit, because that's the only time we can actually spend some REAL family time together doing things we never really have time to do or thing we wouldn't normally do. But while my aunt, uncle, and little cousin will be staying for awhile, my other cousin Jericah will only be here for a week cus of school (April 7-15) But we'll try and fill in that week with as much activities as possible. And whatever we don't get to do, we can do it over the summer when they come again God willing. So stay tone for A LOT of pics to be posted on my myspace and facebook! Also, on April 12 will be the Britney Spears Concert feat. the Pussycat Dolls @ HP Pavillion. I'm very excited about this! We're all the way on top balcony though cus my friends and I are cheap. haha but we just really wanna enjoy ourselves and watch them live, and that's good enough for us.


So on a side note, I decided NOT to get my camera. As much as I want it soooo bad, I realized that there's more important things I need. Like a computer. When I first got my laptop, it was suppose to be for school purposes only. And it has been so far, but also for other unnecessary things that I'm scared my hard drive won't be able to take it one day. So my friend will buy parts and build me a computer so I can have more space and storage for all my music, pics, and videos. Plus be able to burn my dvds and etc. That's gonna cost me over $700. After that, I will continue to work hard and buy my camera. Hopefully will get the camera by the end of the year.


That is all. Promise to blog about more fun and interesting things later! lol sorry if it seems so boring and random nowadays! As soon as something depressing happens to me (which it always does), I'll go back to blog u about it. Cus that's when I truly open up my heart and soul. So until next time!

Updates

So sorry it's been awhile since my last blog. Believe it or not, but I do have a life. haha joke. But anyways, other than school and work, that's pretty much all I've been busy with. And in between, I still find the time to catch up on my korean dramas and music. haha so here's what I've got so far:

Since Boys Over Flowers is still airing on Mondays & Tuesdays, I get really impatient waiting a whole week for the new video uploads with english subs. So to get the anxiousness out of me, I started watching another drama that Goo Hye Sun (the main girl in B.O.F.) starred in, which is Pure Heart aka Hearts of 19. Original broadcast had 167 episodes but mysoju got it down to 122 episodes. It's pretty good, although I skip a bunch of the parts and focus on her love story. If you haven't watched it and are bored waiting for Monday and Tuesday to come ever week like I am, then watch that. Here's the Synopsis for it that I got from DramaWiki:
Gukhwa (Koo Hye Sun) is a young country girl who leaves Yanbian (China) for Korea to get married. When she arrives in Seoul, she finds out that her fiance had just died in a car accident. Instead of returning to China, she decides to stay and create a new life in Korea. With the help of her fiance's family and in particular his nephew, Ugyeong (Lee Min Woo), she is able to overcome the hardship of living in a foreign country.


Another drama that keeps me waiting every week since it's currently airing is a taiwanese drama starring Jerry Yan of Meteor Garden (Taiwanese Version of Boys Over Flowers). The drama is called Starlit. As much as I love the romantic comedy dramas, I still prefer the sad dramatic ones for some reason. This one is pretty good and I haven't cried.... YET. But I know I will eventually cus it's a sad story.Cheng Yue (Jerry Yan) and Rui Shan (Alice Ceng) are pianist and cellist. They are the most high-profile golden couple in the music industry. One day, Cheng Yue tried to save Xiao Lu (Terri Kwan) from car accident. But unfortunately he break his arm and can't play piano. Devastated Cheng Yue give up music and chose to travel. 2 years later, Cheng Yue arrives in Shanghai, and meet Xiao Lu (Terri Kwan). The 2 become colleagues, and due to work interactions, they gradually establish a friendship. At this time, Rui Shan finally tracks down Cheng Yue. She tries her hardest to get Cheng Yue to return to the music world. However, Xiao Lu encourages him to face life with a postive attitude, and Cheng Yue realises that he is impacted by Xiao Lu’s kidness and enthusiasm. From being a person who has hit rock-bottom, wallowing in self-pity, he has re-ignited the passion in life.

Cheng Yue falls in love with Xiao Lu, but he is rejected by her, why? Is their love fated to be a tragedy? Although they are not blessed, although they do not have a future, Cheng Yue still bravely loves Xiao Lu...

And finally.. another awaited group has made their comeback. After 1 year and 6 months, The original and full 13 members of Super Junior are back! Their new song Sorry, Sorry is pretty catchy to me. A lot different from their other music like U or Dont Don and even my favorite Marry U. This seemed a bit more mature, and judging from their music video, they seem to be trying to come off as a more manly image. Here's the MV




And of course, I did my research. Turns out that the dance was choregraphed by Nick Bass and Trent Dickens, who also choregraphed for other artisits such as Justin Timberlake. Here's them performing their choregraphy for Super Junior's Sorry, Sorry. And let's face it, of course they dance it a WHOLE LOT BETTER.

My First Love

As I sit here thinking what to write about, I suddenly started thinking about my past (again). I tend to always think back over my experiences and the people I've met. I had a lot of good and bad experiences, some you can't even imagine. And I've met a lot of good people who became really important people in my life. Although some of them I don't talk too anymore, I still cherish everything we had together while it lasted. I believe it's the people in our lives that help shape us into the person we are becoming. That goes for the bad people in our lives as well. So as I go through these people in my head, one in particular sticks out.

My first love.

Everyone must have experienced this at least once in your life. If not, I do hope you will soon. I'm not going to give his name though, just to make it more interesting. He's someone I actually knew since elementary school, but never talked too until our last year of middle school. Rather than going over this WHOLE story on how we met and what we've been through (I can write a whole novel on this), what's more important to me and what I want to try and get to is the kind of person he was, what we are now, and what he's done for me.

Those feelings of joy and happiness, as well as pain, tears, and sadness are all the things I experienced with him first. He wasn't the best looking guy in the world. He's actually someone who you'd never take notice of and pass by aimlessly. But he was sweet, caring, shy, and the quiet type. He was someone who you knew right away would treat you with respect and be faithful to you. He's someone who you don't just have a fling with, but the kind of person you want to settle down with.

Have you ever met someone who just by them existing in your life, gave you the urge to become a better person? That's who he was to me. Forget all my relationships before and after him. He was the first person who I felt truly cared and loved me for ME. I've said the words "I love you" before and never meant it. It was easy for me to say those words because it meant nothing to me. But saying it to him, the words wouldn't come out at first. That's when I knew that I truly did love him. And I probably always will.

Although things didn't work out and took me awhile to accept that, we both eventually moved on with our lives and on to other relationships. But even so, he is someone who will always and forever be in my heart. We're still friends and see each other once in awhile. I can stop talking and being friends with a lot of my ex's, but for him, it's not possible. We will always be friends in the end. He taught me so much. I never thought I was worthy of being loved, but he taught me otherwise. He probably thinks he didn't do enough for me. But he did everything for me. Even though there were times I felt like I was the one putting most of the effort into our relationship, I know he tried the best he could in his own way. Even after the relationship ended, he said he'd hope we can still be friends. Now for most of the part, that doesn't happen between ex's. But he truly did try his best to still keep our friendship, no matter how stubborn I was wanting more. He's said to me before "I hope you find someone who will treat you better than I ever did". To me, that's something I will always remember because it came from his heart and showed me that he really wants me to be happy. And I know someday, I will be.

I know a lot of people tend to resent their ex's. Some can't even seem to let go of their first love. And that saying "you can never forget your first love" I believe is 100% true. Others have asked me before that if this person was to ever want to start something again, if I would. My head says no, but my heart says yes. For one, it's been years and we both are not the two young naive teenagers we once were. Too many things have changed. But it would be nice to see where it goes if it would ever happen again (though I know for a fact it never will happen, but it doesn't hurt to imagine it). Either way, no matter where we are in the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, and so on, he's someone whom I will always be grateful for in my life.

Dear Mom

So remember when I had SNSD aka Girls' Generation song playing as my background music called "Dear Mom" Well they FINALLY performed the song live! They did it awhile back too but it wasn't even the whole song. Since their debut in 2007, I think they improved a lot! Of course, I've heard better but I still love them for trying! Just thought I'd share this with you! Enjoy!

P.S.
SM Entertainment rocks! =) I love all their groups! I'm a huge DBSK, Super Junior, Boa, SHINee fan! If I was Korean, I'd join their agency. lol seriously!

I am the solution

2007 and 2008 was a tough year for me. It took me awhile to get my act together and be able to be where I am today. I was always envious of people who had a passion for something, and took that step to move forward and pursue it. For me, I was never really into anything and didn't get involved with much. Anything I was into and involved in, slowly started to fade away and I would lose interest. One thing that I always enjoyed doing was writing though. Since I was young, I'd write diaries, journals, and poems. However, I stopped when I reached college to pursue my mom's dream of becoming a nurse like her.

After three years of struggling with something I didn't even understand and had no heart in, I quit my job, quit school, didn't contact my friends, and stayed up in my room for about 4 months. Sometime within those 4 months of solitude, I remembered lying in bed one night and all of a sudden, I was thinking about my life. "What am I going to do now?" and "I can't just stay like this forever". Things like these we're popping in my head. I was so lost and confused and didn't know why. I then thought about my mom. Suddenly, all these images of her came in my head and I can hear her voice. I can see her disappointing and criticizing face. I can hear her negative remarks about me repeat over and over in my head. And I even argued and replied back in my head all the things I wanted to say to her that I've kept bottled up. For the rest of that night, tears continued to fall down my face. It couldn't stop. It even reached to the point where I couldn't breath, and my emotions we're taking over my whole body. I tried to calm myself down, but the more I tried, the more it got worst. I was scared my sisters or my stepdad might hear me. I had (and still do) so much hate and resentment toward my mother. I blame her for my downfall. "Why can't she ever just encourage me to do what makes me happy?" is what I kept asking myself, and still continue to ask.

Even now, it's still like that. Although I'm now doing what I should've always been doing in the first place, I still feel lost and confused. My mom is not happy with my choice of field. The journalism industry isn't a great one. I know the pay sucks. But yet, I can't seem to let it go. My plan was always to work for a entertainment magazine like People or US Weekly or even Teen Vogue. I wanted to work in L.A., meet and interview famous people, be a movie, music, concert, club, and fashion critic. Basically the whole hollywood theme, I wanted to write about it.

I've taken several writing and journalism classes and have learned a lot. But lately, that whole hollywood future I've always seen me in, is slowly starting to fade away. Nowadays, I'm picturing myself as a more serious journalist. I'm starting to have different desires and wants. I've been picturing myself traveling around the world into poor countries like India, Africa, or somewhere in Asia and just writing about what's been going on and what I see. I've been having thoughts of working or even volunteering in organizations that have a good cause, especially with orphans, or broken families. In class, we always talk about what's going on out there in the world and I've always felt out of place because I'm not that informed or knowledgable about what's going on outside of my world. And the more I listen and learn, the more I want to know. A lot of the students in my class are international students from Hong Kong, Japan. India, Switzerland, etc. It's amazing how they're able to study abroad, while for me, I've always just been in the Bay Area education.

That's when it hit me. "I can do more than this. I want to do more than just this". I've always just kept my thinking simple because I didn't believe I was capable of something more. I want to study abroad. I want to experience another culture. I want to see the world in a different view. I've been bottled up in this place for so long, afraid of what my mom might say or think, that it's retricted me to all the possibilites out there for me. As much as I know she will hate me for this, and I know it won't be easy for me to achieve this goal, I don't care. I'm tired of thinking "what if?". I don't want to repeat that night when I was crying ever again. If I'm going to feel hate and resentment, it's going to be toward myself because I wasn't brave or strong enough to go after what I truly wanted. Yes, my mom was the problem and she probably will always be the problem. But because of that, she's also not the solution. Therefore, I am the solution to my problems. I have to step it up and stop worrying about her expectations of me. I spent 21 years of my life doing so. It's time to start worrying about myself and what will make me happy.

I've always had this empty feeling inside of me. I hope as time goes by, it will slowly start to fill up. I tend to always change my background music with songs that represent my mood. This time, it's filled with songs of encouragement, hope, faith, and God. Because I believe God will guide and help me through this. I know God will never abandom me. I pray that one day, my mother can use Him to help ease the pain in her heart that my brother and I have caused her all these years. So as I listen to these songs, little by little I can feel His faith and hope in me and it's gradually pulling me back up again. I hope it does the same for anyone else who has their own troubles that they can't seem to deal with. As much as it may hurt now and seems like it will never go away, I promise you, it will get better.

Why Do I Want To Die So Bad?

"If you eat more fruits and vegetables, you won't look so fat"

"I have a co-worker... her son is 21 years old like you and he already has diabetes"

"Maybe if you loose some weight, you can get a boyfriend soon"

"Aren't you embarrassed to be with your friends because they're so slim and skinny?"

"If you get diabetes, then that's it for you"

"Do you want liver cancer?"

"Why do you want to die so bad?"

"Take these vitamins... it'll help you loose the weight"

"You need to exercise more... you don't even do shit in the house. That's why you're getting so fat"

& the list goes on and on and on....


Now imagine... you're feeling sick. You have a big head ache and runny nose, and you worked 6 hours straight with no break. You didn't even eat breakfast before going to work, nor did you eat lunch. So on your way home, you buy soup and bring it to the house. It's been awhile since you had dinner at home, but it's cold outside and you don't want to get even more sick. So you sit down in your kitchen and eat the soup. Then your mom sits next to you and eats her food. While you're trying to eat so you can get better, she suddenly starts to say all those quotes to you that I've posted above. Not even a "hello" or "how are you feeling?" or "how was work?" For the next 10-15 min. all you can hear are these negative remarks about you coming from your mothers mouth. There nothing new to you. You've heard them all before. But no matter how many times you hear them, they hurt just as much and if not, more each time.

Then she asks, "why do you want to die so bad?" You smile and look at her and say in your head "look in the mirror, and that's my answer". You want to say this to her face. Maybe that will shut her up. It's not like you're lying to her anyways. It's probably the whole truth. But because you don't want to argue, you put up with the negativity and continue back to your eating.

Now believe it or not, but that's a typical family dinner for me. And people wonder why I eat out so much. About me having diabetes, I don't. She just wishes I do because it's better to explain why her daughter isn't the perfect size or face that she wishes she was. For awhile, she kept telling me I have the symptoms of diabetes because of my weight. But when my cousin took my blood test, I'm below normal. So I'm not even close to having diabetes. About the liver cancer thing, it's because I bought a six pack of smirnoff ice, which only has like 5% alcohol in it. I bought it months ago and haven't even touched it yet. So she said in her mean and criticizing way if I wanted to have liver cancer and die and I jokingly replied "sure why not!". And that's when the whole question about me wanting to die so bad came up.

NO I'm not suicidal and NO I don't want to die! haha I'm still young and have a lot going for myself. But seriously, who hasn't thought about it right? At least for a second. It doesn't mean I'm going too. But I'm just saying, try living with THAT kind of person all your life, hearing how ugly you are and how you're not good enough, and then tell me if you think you can still live on.

Weekend Recap

Long time no blog! Sorry everyone that I haven't updated much lately. As you can tell from my last blog, I had a busy weekend and when the weekend was over, I had school. So no time to share with you all about what's been going on. Well as promised, I have pictures from over the weekend! They say pictures speak a thousand words, so lets have my pictures do most of the talking.

February 12 - Oakland Warriors vs. Portland Trail Blazers
Warriors won by the way =)




February 13
Nothing much here, just worked and then went to the movies with friends to watch Friday the 13th. Very jumpy movie! Too much sex and boobs for me though. But if you're into those things, then go for it! Despite those parts, there were other parts where I screamed and hella jumped out of my seat, so it kept me going. Also the fact that I love Jared Padalecki <3


February 14 - Valentines Day
Spent Vday @ Sabor Lounge in downtown San Jose with my friend KC to see Frankie J. We were in the front and took pictures with him!




More youtube videos that I took of him are on my youtube account!
http://www.youtube.com/user/chrysteen

February 15 - Twin Sister's 13th Birthday

Congrats to my sisters Jennifer and Stephanie for becoming a teenager! Let a drama begin!!! mwahahahaha. Well we went to church that morning, then had a fabulous dinner at one of my favorite Italian restaurants, Macaroni Grill. Then back to the house for ice cream cake from cold stone!



So that weekend cost me a lot of money!!! I think I spent almost $200?! Gotta start saving up again!!! So it's another weekend coming up which means more work! More work = more money. So until next time!

My Weekend Plans

Got BIG plans this weekend! Oh where to start...

Thursday - Not really considered a weekend, but it is for me since I don't have school these days. Hopefully we'll be going to the movies with Anthony. But our plans never fall through. Other than that, around 5:30, Mike will pick me up and then we will head over to Leilani's and off to the Warriors game! They will be playing against Portland Trailblazers. I'm excited because this will be my VERY first live basketball game. I know basketball though and I'm a big fan. I've been playing since I was a kid and was even on my middle school team. I use to be a huge Lakers fan during my high school years, but got lazy now and haven't really been catching up. Saw a few Warriors game on TV when they we're getting better in 2007 and 2008 but nothing much. So probably after this game, I'll be a Warriors fan. We'll see!

Friday - It's friday the 13th! And the movie with the same title comes out! heheh will probably watch that in the afternoon because at night, I have work! Gotta make them $$$ as mentioned before in my last blog

Saturday - Valentines Day. Just another day to remind me that I have no one! Who's with me out there?! I honestly have NEVER had a Valentine in my life. I always seem to be in a relationship during the times where no holiday occurs. I'm a spring love and summer fling kind of girl I guess you can say. In early afternoon, I will be taking my sister and her friends to the movies and mall and that's pretty much it. But at night, I will be with my lovely Frankie J. Yep, the singer! He will be @ Sabor Lounge that night and my friend put me on the guest list. So, hopefully I'll get to see him live! I can already hear him singing to me... "How do you cope with the one you love is with somebody else and there's nothing you can do about it. How do you deal with the fact that you had a chance but you chose to turn away for your career..." Ahhh i love it! I plan on getting crazy drunk this night!!! So watch out for my drunk phone calls!

Sunday - My twin sisters 13th bday! Wow they're teenagers now... and the rebelling and pmsing begins! Well they already do that, but it'll be even more! Go to church in the morning, then probably dinner with the family after that. Don't know where though. But anytime I can go eat out at nice restaurants for free, I'm all in!

Monday - While you elementary, middle, and high school kids have a week off, us college people only get one day off. At least for me that is, I'm not sure how it works with the semester system (I'm on quarter system). Homework day for me! yay! How fun....

Sorry if my blogs seem so random and out there. Who loves to read about other people's lives?! haha before people thought I'd write all this emo and depressing stuff about my life. I did at first, but not lately. The problems are all still there though, unsolved is what it is. There is some venting out I want to do about my mom (again), but I think I'll save that for later. But don't worry, as soon as more new drama come's up (and trust me, there will be), I'll be pouring my heart out once again. And that's when the REAL novel writing of mine begins. hehehe I'll be posting up more pictures too of this weekend as each day passes. So watch out for those!

Earning them $$$

So this year is going to be a really busy and hectic year for me. And a poor year as well. I have to work like crazy if I even want to have money to go and do the things I need and want to do. And buy the things I need and want. Plus study hard so I can graduate soon! A lot is going to be happening and I'm not even prepared yet! Here it is

First off, I got accepted to SFSU and SJSU (yay for me!) My only problem is, I don't know which one to go too. I want to go to SFSU, but my parents are really struggling with money right now (who isn't right?!). So if I do decide to go to SF, that's even MORE money they have to spend on my books, tuition, living expenses, etc. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go there! Oh what to do?!?!?!? I have to decide soon. So that's why I'm trying to work more so that I can save up a little of my own money to help out my parents a bit and I don't have to full rely on them. But it's hard when work keeps cutting hours. And because my other job requires me to go out of town a lot, I have to request a lot of weekends off.

Speaking of my other work, there are SOOOO many events that I'll be doing for Prime Media Unlimited, it's not even funny. We had a meeting Sunday night and let me just say "WOW!" A lot of concerts and events coming up. A lot of marketing and promotions we'll be doing for it. A lot of traveling as well (which is my favorite part), and more writing experiences for me as well. Woo hoo! I can already picture us spending hours late night working and not enough sleep. But that's show biz for ya! We don't get paid much, but the experience is fulfilling enough for me.

I really want my camera. I'm taking photo class right now because I wanted to have more knowledge about photography before actually spending $700-$1,000 on a camera and I don't even know how to use it. I've always been interested in photography and wanted to pick it up sooner, but I never had the resources for it. Now that I do, I'm loving every minute of it. And I want to improve as well. Since I'm a journalism major, I'd figure being a photographer can help me as well in my field of study. So I have to save up money for that

Flat screen HD TV. Who has those heavy box looking televisions nowadays?! Go to any middle class home and there, you will see at least one big flat screen tv. I don't even watch tv in my room anymore because. I really want my own flat screen hd tv in my room!

Computer. My laptop was suppose to be mainly for just school and work, nothing more. I would use this laptop and bring it to school to type my notes rather than writing them. Write my papers and essays @ starbucks. Stuff like that. So I want a computer for everything else. I use to download and burn my dramas on my laptop, which made it very slow later on. I don't think it's meant to handle that much for so long. So I want my own computer as well.

Photo printer. I take A LOT of digital photos. But I want hard copies of them too, so I want my own printer that can print me good quality photos from my camera.

Vacations with the cousins. My cousins and I have been wanting to go on vacation with just us for awhile now, without our parents, which means everything is paid by us. We wanted to go last year, but it just wasn't possible. So now we're planning for this year around December to go to Disney Land. I know December is a loooong way from now, but time goes by fast! And with everything else that's going on, it's going to be hard saving up money for that too.

And of course, there's the obvious - food, birthdays, and clothes. If only I knew how to cook, I wouldn't be buying food everyday. But all my house serves is soup with shrimp and squash (I know what it's called but I can't spell it). I love it, but not all the time. It's always Filipino food all the damn time! Birthdays. I'm the type of person who feels like I have to give a bday gift to those closest to me. If I don't, I feel like they don't know my sincerity. And of course, clothes. I'm a girl, so to update on your wardrobe is a must. Especially if you see a sale! So tempting not go at least look.

So as you can tell, all of these involve money, and lots of it. I'm going to work hard this year, but of course, keep school my #1 priority still. The one's I'm really focusing on though is my camera and vacationing with my cousins.

To end on a happy note, I tend to listen to this song often to make me feel better when I'm stressed out. Hillsong United's "At The Cross". I've heard and seen a lot of renditions, but my favorite would have to be Cathy and Gabe's version of it. Check it out:



ahhhh gabe is so hot isn't he?! maybe that's why I like this version.... hehe =)

My Car Is Cursed!

Haha seriously, it is. Since Day 1 of getting my car, I've gotten nothing but trouble at least once every year. Here's proof!

July 2005 - This was the 1st day I got my car with my dad and stepmom. My stepmom had to leave early for work so she took the car we drove in. When I finally got my car, I had to drop my dad home all the way to Atherton (by palo alto). At the time, I didn't know my way around that area so trying to find the freeway back home, I guess I drove too fast and ended up getting a ticket! What a nice way to start off getting a brand new car

2006 - Not quite sure when this happened, but I know it did! Got hit from the back bumper on oakland road cus some lady thought it was a green light instead of a red. Is she color blind or something?! Luckily she didn't hit too hard and there were no bumps or scratches

December 2007 - This is why I NEVER drive highway 880 South at night anymore unless it's an absolute emergency. The traffic sucks! But I needed to do some xmas shopping and I didn't wanna go great mall. So my friend KC and I decided to go to Valley Fair instead. I'm on the far left lane and traffic is moving slowly. I wanted to start switching lanes already because my exit was coming up. So I signal and start looking over my shoulder and rear mirror to see if it's clear. There's still space in front of me on my lane so I start to slowly move forward and try switching lanes. But suddenly, that big space I had in front of me was no more cus the cars in front of me suddenly all break. But when they did that, I was looking at the other lanes to see if I can go. It wasn't until I hear KC yelling out, "CC! Watch out!" and I tried to dodge the car in front of me but ended up hitting it anyways. And it wasn't just some 2nd hand old car. It just had to be a lexus of all cars! Well my side mirror is gone and so it my front bumper. And the guys rear bumper is totally smashed. Luckily, he was really nice though! He told me it wasn't my fault and that the other cars in front of him all suddenly just breaked really fast.

Summer 2008 - I think it was during the summer. But anyways, I was suppose to hang out with my friend Jenny, but no call from her yet and I was hungry. My niece Janessa was at our house because we were babysitting her. When her mom, Kia, came to pick her up, she invited me to have lunch with her, Janessa, and my brother near their place by Oakridge, so I said yes. I drove my car to follow hers so that they didn't have to drive all the way back to drop me home. So we're on highway 680 South and Kia stays on the right lane. I'm following her, but not so close. I suddenly see her swerve to the right without signaling. Because my car is lowered and she drives a van, I didn't see what was in front of her to make her move like that. When she did finally move out of the way, I saw a big pile of broken wood and nails on the lane and tried to dodge it. Unfortunately, I was too late and ended up going over it. Something must have caught under my car because then I couldn't control my wheels anymore and ended up spinning around across the other lanes. And can you believe it? There were no cars on the other lanes as I was spinning. I don't know, to me that's just insane! Other cars before and after me had damages to their cars but mine was ok still.

February 2009 - So as always, there's Filipino food at home and nothing more. It's late and I'm hungry so I decided to get some Wing Stop. I place an order to go and on my way, I'm listening to music through my iPhone. My iPhone suddenly stops, and as I'm making my right turn, I look down for 2 seconds to see the problem. Then when I look up, I run over the curb really hard and there's smoke coming out, my air bag light goes on and my seat belts cannot adjust anymore. The shield under my car is dragging and broken as well. However, just got off the phone with the dealer for my car, and they fixed my seat belt, and my air bags are fine. No charge since it's under the warranty. yay! But won't be ready till monday.

So whatever accident, big or small, I seem to never get hurt! LoL I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but how lucky can you get!? REALLY! It's like I have 9 lives or something. But I shouldn't jinx it because the next accident (and I'm pretty sure there will be one), I may not be so lucky. And NO it's not all my fault. It's just bad luck. I'll admit the last one was my fault though. But I'm still alive and breathing! So that's a good sign right? This may sound a bit corny, but I feel invincible - like nothing can hurt or touch me. hahahaha wow that did sound a bit weird and corny. Oh well, it's true! But it seems like every year, the accidents just keep getting bigger. Ahhh I hope this is where it ends!

Anyways, thanks to everyone who messaged me on my facebook and called me and left me voice mails to see if I was okay! I really feel loved! <3 awww hehe

My Current Korean Obsessions

1) East of Eden is seriously a kick ass drama. LoL I know some people might be lazy cus it's 50+ episodes. But you will be hooked and wanting more as each episode passes. This week, it made me cry! And now I have to wait for next week's episode. What sucks is the last episode that just aired was a real tear jerker. It was getting so good And now they're making us wait till next week. Hate those. For those who don't know what it's about, here's a synopsis I found online:

The drama will be about two men whose fates are crossed from the very first day that they were born. Both men were born in the same hospital. When he was a teenager, Lee Dong Chul witnessed the death of his father. From then on he promised to seek revenge on the man who caused his father's death, Shin Tae Hwan. But unbeknownst to everybody is the fact that Dong Chul's younger brother, Dong Wook, was switched at birth with Tae Hwan's son, Myung Hun. Dong Wook grows up to become a prosecutor and vows to help his brother seek revenge. But what happens when they find out that they're not brothers? What will Dong Chul do when he finds out that his real brother was raised by Shin Tae Hwan and that the brother that was beside him all these years is the son of his enemy?



2) Boys Before Flowers. Before I watched it, I already saw the Taiwanese version - Meteor Garden like a year ago. Then I watched the Japanese version during winter break. Both we're good, but after watching the Japanese version, I liked it better. For one, it went quicker. When I saw season 1, I was wondering where all the missing plots and parts were that Meteor Garden showed. But then I found it all in Season 2. If you want the quick version of the series, the Japanese version is the one for you. Plus they even had a movie as the third installment. Now that the korean version is out, I'm getting addicted to it and tend to do a lot of comparisons between all 3 versions. But they all still have their own flavor to it. Even though I already know what's going to happen, I still can't help but get excited when watching certain scenes.

Meteor Garden (Taiwanese)


Hana Yori Dango (Japanese)


Boys Before Flowers (Korean)


Yep... no matter how I see it, the Korean version guys of F4 are waaaaay cuter!!!

3) SNSD mini album Gee. Also known as Girls' Generation. I changed my playlist songs to their songs. Honestly, the only person who I think can ACTUALLY sing is Taeyeon, the eldest of the group and the leader. But yet, I still listen to their songs because they make me happy. All the other girls can sing okay too, but not as well as most korean singers I know. They're mostly popular because of the face and body. But after 9 months on hiatus, they came back with a mini album. The song "Gee" sounded weird to me at first, but as I kept listening to it, it started to get to me. But out of the 5 songs in this album, my favorite is Dear Mom. It's a ballad song and I thought it showed how much all their voices matured since their last album. It's just my opinion though. Listen to them and you be the judge.



4) Alex from the group Clazziquai. I had his new album My Vintage Romance for awhile, but just now decided to fully listen to it. Of course, his famous song Flowerpot that he sang on We Got Married is on there. Love it! But the one I constantly find myself listening too nowadays from him is the song he sang during the Thanksgiving Special on the piano of WGM to his partner Shin Ae. The song Daisy. His voice is just so soothing to hear. You can also hear it on my playlist



5) And finally, some that I'm looking forward too. Still waiting on Se7en's American debut. Why is it taking sooo long?! And also, I plan to watch (when I have time) Empress Chu Chu (the one shin nae is in!) and Return to Iljimae. The two are already airing, but I'm going to wait til more episodes go on air. And the one's that haven't shown yet but will be soon is Princess Ja Myung Go and Cain & Abel

Ok that is all. GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

A few things to vent out

1) So as always, I am getting yelled at and blamed for stuff I didn't even do. Just one phone call from a certain someone (who shall remain anonymous, but most can probably guess) asking for money, and in the next 5 min. my mother's frustrations go toward me and my sisters, yelling and cursing at us because she has no one else to yell at. Well actually she does, but he refuses to yell at him. And as she's yelling and criticizing at me, I smiled the whole time, and even giggled a bit, which made matters worst. But I couldn't help it! Before when these things happened, I would yell back and get so angry. But now, I just find it funny. The whole time she was yelling, I kept thinking "wow! does she really have nothing better to do?!". I saw it coming. Oh when will this ever end?! When will certain people learn to just GROW UP and realize that what they say and do affects others. And that the world does not revolve around them?

I'm at the point now where I just don't care anymore. Caring and reacting angry to all the bs I had to go through, made it even worse. Whatever problems and issues my family has now, I don't want to get involved. I don't even wanna know about it. I spent 21 years living my life being looked down on by them. If anything went bad or wrong, I was always the first person on their mind. And when they found out I did nothing wrong, they all just left it alone as if nothing happened. Maybe that's why my life is so screwed over. Because I allowed them to control it and walk all over me. Well not anymore

2)SO my grandma is trying to fix me up with someone from the Philippines. HECK NO! I am not going to be used just so some guy I don't even know can come here in the States and get citizenship. Ahhhh she keeps pressuring me and telling my cousins to convince me. And now my mom is slowly getting convinced. NO NO NO NO NEVER GONNA HAPPEN is all I can say

3) This is nothing big but as most people know, I love watching korean and taiwanese dramas. But how can I continue to watch if the english subs are taking FOREVER?! It's not the subbers fault I know because it takes a lot of time and effort to sub videos. I'm just getting impatient is all. I'm just getting mad that no one is subbing We Got Married (korean variety show) anymore. Even though the new couples are not as good as the old ones, I still wanna watch! Errrr. Gourmet, subbers stopped because it's a license drama now. So I finished like up to episode 10 or something and thats it. Just when it was getting good, they stopped. You Are My Destiny has around 170 something episodes and only subbed up to 138.

But 2 dramas that I do however enjoy watching and wait for every week are East of Eden and Boys Before Flowers. They're still currently airing but i love them. If you haven't watched them, get going! East of Eden is doing around 50 episodes or so, but its GOOD. Boys Before Flowers, I've seen both the Taiwanese and Japenese Versions. Korean F4 characters are hotter than the other two versions! =)


ANYWAYS... to finish this off, I want to share something I learned today! Found this online:

At times we can feel a sense of loneliness even when we are surrounded by many people. Sri Chinmoy suggests that we feel lonely when use our mind to separate ourselves from other people. It is easy for the mind to be negative and when we are in a negative state of mind our ego comes to the fore, this is when we are likely to feel more lonely. Furthermore loneliness does not help us in any way but only contributes to our unhappiness. The cure for loneliness is to use the qualities of the heart to stop judging things and to cultivate happiness.

Unbreak My Heart

Well since my last blog was too depressing and LONG... I decided to even it out a bit by putting something happy and short.

Here's my niece and god daughter Janessa Marie! I have a lot of videos of her singing on my youtube account, but nothing of her singing like THIS! lol I'm a proud tita and ninang that I just love showing her off like this. So everytime I record her, you'll be seeing it posted on my youtube, myspace, facebook, and now here as well!

So sit back and enjoy. No bad comments please. She's only 4!

Pray for me

Just want to vent out some personal stuff. Even though most of these are things I've talked about before to some people, for some reason, it feels better writing it out. So here it is:

For those who really know me from my past, they know that I was never good at expressing myself to people face and face and just kept it inside. I was use to being alone and not bothered with. Back then, I wasn't use to people actually caring for me and if they did, I didn't expect it to really last that long anyways. So I never got my hopes up. I didn't trust anyone because I believed that people will always leave you behind in the end, because from my experiences, that's what always happened to me. So I thought, "what's the point in opening up to people if they're just going to leave?"

My cousin Glenda once told me that when she first met me 6 years ago with her family from the Philippines, her first impression of me (besides me having REALLY long hair back then haha) was that I was a scary person to approach. She and her sister didn't know how to talk to me. In fact, her exact words if I remembered correctly were, "it seemed like you hated the world". LOL and back then, I did. I was rebelious, out of control, naive, and lost my way. When they moved in with us from the Philippines, it was the first time I had to think of others besides myself. In my house before, it was just me, my mom, stepdad, brother, and little twin sisters. We all pretty much kept to ourselves and no one knew what was going on with me. So living in your own world for 16 years and then having 5 new people suddenly enter into it and invade your world, it was a big adjustment for me. But I'm glad it happened. It was an experience I had to go through.

As I think back from the past couple years, I remember not being happy with my life. There was a point where I dropped everything and everyone and lived in total isolation. Dropped school, work, my friends, even my family. I don't think I ever cried so many nights in a row before. Most of my depression came from my mom. Living my life for someone who doesn't even notice that her own daughter is in pain trying to please her, it's hard. Having to constantly hear that you're going to fail and regret it, you tend to believe that it's true. And having someone say they don't care if your happy or not as long as you make a lot of money so that they can look good in front of people, made me feel like I wasn't good enough and an embarrassment. I know she just wants the best for me. And I know she loves me in her own way and just doesn't want me to suffer financially when I'm older. But what about what I want?

People say I need to get away in order to make our relationship better. I want that too, because I feel like if I stay in this house any longer, I will go insane. The stuff I've been through, seen, heard, and experienced so far, I barely survived it. And I'm still trying to hang on there so I won't slip into something deeper that I'm afraid I won't be able to come out of this time. I pray everyday that I can one day be truly happy with myself. I want to be happy.

Even till now I still feel like that girl with no self confidence. Some of my family members have told me that I've changed for the better. That I'm more open and responsible. I don't know exactly when it happened. I guess I just needed those months of doing nothing and being depressed to fully understand what I want to do with my life. I didn't want to waste it. So I'm glad that some people have seen this change in me and told me. Because if they didn't, I don't think anyone would have and I would've continued to think low of myself.

My mom once said to me, "Watch... when you get older and laid off, you're going to say 'oh I wish I listened to my mom'". As if she's already expecting me to fail. Well I'm going to make sure that day NEVER happens. I am going to make sure those words NEVER come out of my mouth. I finally have the guts to turn my life around and follow my path. And even though it's not the path my mom wants, I want to prove to her that I will be happy no matter what and that I chose the right course. I have faith in her that one day she will fully accept me for who I am. Even if it's a long way from now, I have that faith. I have to have that faith because without it, everything I do will mean nothing to me without her appreciation and approval.

So for those who have kept their faith in me through all my hardships when I didn't even have faith in myself, thank you. There are many people who know my situation and have been my crying shoulder. Please continue to have faith in me and pray for me. And pray for my mom too. Pray that she will let go of her pride, selfishness, and stubbornness. I may not be the oldest daughter she hoped for, but I will be the daughter she can be proud of in the future.