Yesterday, I was going through a bunch of old photo albums and saw a lot of my baby pictures that my dad organized. There were even cards of my 1st thanksgiving, christmas, bdays, etc. He organized them well and there were about over 10 albums. Don't you miss those childhood days when you didn't know anything and you can just do whatever you wanted? Man those were the days...
Because I don't live with my Dad, I'm not use to really having another parent or father figure around. Growing up with a single mom who worked all the time and a stepdad who didn't really show any concern for me, I pretty much grew up on my own. When I was a kid, I grew up resenting my Dad a lot. He wasn't a bad man or anything. My mom and dad's past is a messy one and in the end, I guess I just blamed him for everything. And my mom didn't even stop my hatred for him. But as the years went by, I started to learn and understand more and realized how much he loves me, despite all the hurt and troubles I gave him.
The reason why I'm bringing this up? Because I feel bad. Today, my dad called me asking me to go bank with him. One thing I don't like about him is that he tells me things last minute and expects me to just drop everything I'm doing. So I told him to wait and hung up on him. When I called him back, I said I couldn't drive cus of my ankle and asked him to drive. In truth, even though I can drive with my ankle boot, I was just lazy and didn't want too. So he picked me up, and when he came, he was limping too and had crutches (wow like father like daughter.. both crippled lol). I felt really bad and if I knew he was like that, I would have just drove him myself.
Anyways, we're in the car and we then start talking about my school and future. In my last blog, I mentioned about what I plan on doing after I graduate. Thing is, I haven't told my parents yet because I don't want to jinx it and because I'm not sure if they will approve. So whenever my mom or dad ask me what I'm gonna do, I just tell them "I don't know" all the time, even though I do know. My dad started to then mention that as soon as a graduate, I need to be a full time worker. Of course though, that's not what I want. So I asked "Is it ok if I don't work right after graduation? Can't I do something else?", in which he replied "Do whatever you want, just don't bother us then. You're old enough to do whatever you want". And that's when the yelling begins....
I then fought back saying just because I don't want to work after I graduate, doesn't mean I'm not going to do anything useful with my life. He then made some comment about me not having any plans for my life, which made me even more mad because it felt like he thinks I'm being lazy and not doing anything. So I start yelling and telling him that I do have plans and I do have goals, but I don't tell him or mom because I feel they'll just look at me and think I'm being stupid or naive. He then said something that hit my heart:
"When did I ever do that? Whatever you decide, I will always support you, you should know that by now. I've always told you that. Don't compare me with other people. That's your problem... you compare me with your mom. I'm not your mom. When we talk, it's just you and me. Don't bring in other people. So just tell me what it is you want or planned for yourself".
With that said, I told him to listen to everything I have to say without interruptions or judgement. So I told him everything and then when I finished he said, "Okay, good for you! You can do it! You can even be a teacher if you want. They need teachers in other countries. See! You can tell me anything!"
SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW! - that's what I said in my head when he said that to me, b/c I felt sooo bad yelling at him afterwards.
Here's the thing. I'm not use to hearing someone say they support me or encourge me to do what I want. Wait scratch that, I'm just not use to hearing it from my mom because she's never said anything like that to me, so I assumed my dad will be the same. Whenever I told my om my plans, if she didn't like it, she critizied me about it. If it wasn't nursing, then it wasn't good enough for her. She'd put me down. She'd tell me if I wasn't going to make a lot of money, then what's the point? It was then on that I got discourgaged from telling her any of my future plans, because I didn't want her to ruin it for me. But thinking back, my dad is right about one thing. He's always been supportive of me. For 21 years, he never once tried to force me to be someone I'm not. When I said I was going to take nursing, he supported me. When I took time off, he didn't yell at me about it. When I decided to switch majors to journalism, he said I should've done that in the beginning instead of nursing if it was something I really wanted all along. Whatever I decided, he didn't fight me on it. He's always supported me through everything and all I do is disrespect him and yell at him all the time. I wanted to cry right then and there. Of course later, we both laughed it off and we apologized to each other. But still, I'm always missunderstanding him and yelling. And he sits there and takes it. Of course, he then cracks up some joke like a couple seconds after and then I start laughing. Or he just lowers his tone with a smile, is like "I love you anako". How can I stay mad when he says that all of a sudden?! That's a good thing about our relationship though. I can never stay mad at him for more than 5 min.
So from now on, I'm going to try and be more open with my dad. The reason why he thinks I have no plans is because I don't tell him, so that's my fault. I need to stop comparing him with my mom too. Even if my mom is against me, at least I know he's on my side. He's always been on my side. And I love him so much for that. And looking at those albums, I can see I was such a daddy's girl, and I want to continue to be one no matter how old I get! I LOVE YOU DADDY!!!!