Sunday, February 22, 2009

Why Do I Want To Die So Bad?

"If you eat more fruits and vegetables, you won't look so fat"

"I have a co-worker... her son is 21 years old like you and he already has diabetes"

"Maybe if you loose some weight, you can get a boyfriend soon"

"Aren't you embarrassed to be with your friends because they're so slim and skinny?"

"If you get diabetes, then that's it for you"

"Do you want liver cancer?"

"Why do you want to die so bad?"

"Take these vitamins... it'll help you loose the weight"

"You need to exercise more... you don't even do shit in the house. That's why you're getting so fat"

& the list goes on and on and on....

Now imagine... you're feeling sick. You have a big head ache and runny nose, and you worked 6 hours straight with no break. You didn't even eat breakfast before going to work, nor did you eat lunch. So on your way home, you buy soup and bring it to the house. It's been awhile since you had dinner at home, but it's cold outside and you don't want to get even more sick. So you sit down in your kitchen and eat the soup. Then your mom sits next to you and eats her food. While you're trying to eat so you can get better, she suddenly starts to say all those quotes to you that I've posted above. Not even a "hello" or "how are you feeling?" or "how was work?" For the next 10-15 min. all you can hear are these negative remarks about you coming from your mothers mouth. There nothing new to you. You've heard them all before. But no matter how many times you hear them, they hurt just as much and if not, more each time.

Then she asks, "why do you want to die so bad?" You smile and look at her and say in your head "look in the mirror, and that's my answer". You want to say this to her face. Maybe that will shut her up. It's not like you're lying to her anyways. It's probably the whole truth. But because you don't want to argue, you put up with the negativity and continue back to your eating.

Now believe it or not, but that's a typical family dinner for me. And people wonder why I eat out so much. About me having diabetes, I don't. She just wishes I do because it's better to explain why her daughter isn't the perfect size or face that she wishes she was. For awhile, she kept telling me I have the symptoms of diabetes because of my weight. But when my cousin took my blood test, I'm below normal. So I'm not even close to having diabetes. About the liver cancer thing, it's because I bought a six pack of smirnoff ice, which only has like 5% alcohol in it. I bought it months ago and haven't even touched it yet. So she said in her mean and criticizing way if I wanted to have liver cancer and die and I jokingly replied "sure why not!". And that's when the whole question about me wanting to die so bad came up.

NO I'm not suicidal and NO I don't want to die! haha I'm still young and have a lot going for myself. But seriously, who hasn't thought about it right? At least for a second. It doesn't mean I'm going too. But I'm just saying, try living with THAT kind of person all your life, hearing how ugly you are and how you're not good enough, and then tell me if you think you can still live on.

1 comment:

  1. i knew then from the first quote that you were talking about tita. *sigh* i'll keep you in my prayers cuz! i love you.